The "Single" Most Important Thing
I'm 24 and single. Very VERY single, in fact.
I'm 24 and I've never had a boyfriend.
That admission, acknowledging my complete and utter lack of relationships in general, used to be one of the most distressing realizations about myself.
Was it because I wasn't pretty enough? Was it because I was too tall? Was it because I was too smart, and guys find that intimidating? Was it because I wasn't good enough to deserve a boyfriend?
HECK TO THE NO, SISTER FRIEND. Get over yourself.
I used to be so easily disenchanted, thinking that my relationship status (or, more appropriately, the lack thereof) was the paramount factor in determining whether or not I had value. Hello, get a grip, younger self! There are so many more interesting things about a person besides whether or not they are dating someone. [Like: the books you're reading. Or: the new places you've traveled this summer. Or: those stories about your hilariously inappropriate gym teacher in middle school. Or: your especially biased feelings about cilantro.] You can be interesting and valuable without a boy telling you so. Jussayin.
On occasion, I wish I could go back ten years to my 14-year-old self, get all up in her face and tell her to snap out of it. So what if you don't have a boyfriend? SO. WHAT. You are more than just a girlfriend.
I would tell her to stop worrying about boys and to make goals for herself. Learn. Travel. Step outside of your comfort zone. Find a new hobby. Do things that scare you. Meet new people. Rekindle old friendships.
EXPERIENCE LIFE, PLEASE.
And this isn't to say that you can't do those things if you are in a relationship. Duh, of course you can.
But you can also do them on your own without feeling badly about it. Sure, I may still be "single and ready to....get awkward and sweaty around anyone I find attractive" but that in no way depletes my quality of life.
Do things for yourself, take risks, and live your life NOT because you're simply biding your time until marriage comes along, but do them just because that's what you want to be doing right now. When I moved to AZ for pastry school, I found myself explaining to people that I'd graduated from college with a degree that didn't have a direct career-path, and so I figured, "Why not? I'm young and single, now's the time?" Only now do I realize that being single had nothing to do with it. I wanted to learn how to bake croissants and frost fancy cakes because I love to bake and it's a passion of mine, not because I didn't have a boyfriend right then.
Now, in retrospect, that reasoning just sounds plain silly, mostly because it is.
I'm embarrassed that this has taken me so long to realize, as straightforward and obvious as it seems, but I also see so many other young single women (especially in the church) struggling in this same situation.
I'm grateful to be independent, self-sufficient, and unfettered.
I'm grateful to have had this time to develop my own personality without relying on a man for validation.
I'm grateful to have (finally) reached a point where getting a boyfriend isn't my sole objective in life.
Ladies: your relationship status doesn't define you. You define you.
[Now, if you'll excuse me while I go prepare for my lesson next week on eternal marriage...]
I'm 24 and I've never had a boyfriend.
That admission, acknowledging my complete and utter lack of relationships in general, used to be one of the most distressing realizations about myself.
Was it because I wasn't pretty enough? Was it because I was too tall? Was it because I was too smart, and guys find that intimidating? Was it because I wasn't good enough to deserve a boyfriend?
HECK TO THE NO, SISTER FRIEND. Get over yourself.
I used to be so easily disenchanted, thinking that my relationship status (or, more appropriately, the lack thereof) was the paramount factor in determining whether or not I had value. Hello, get a grip, younger self! There are so many more interesting things about a person besides whether or not they are dating someone. [Like: the books you're reading. Or: the new places you've traveled this summer. Or: those stories about your hilariously inappropriate gym teacher in middle school. Or: your especially biased feelings about cilantro.] You can be interesting and valuable without a boy telling you so. Jussayin.
On occasion, I wish I could go back ten years to my 14-year-old self, get all up in her face and tell her to snap out of it. So what if you don't have a boyfriend? SO. WHAT. You are more than just a girlfriend.
I would tell her to stop worrying about boys and to make goals for herself. Learn. Travel. Step outside of your comfort zone. Find a new hobby. Do things that scare you. Meet new people. Rekindle old friendships.
EXPERIENCE LIFE, PLEASE.
And this isn't to say that you can't do those things if you are in a relationship. Duh, of course you can.
But you can also do them on your own without feeling badly about it. Sure, I may still be "single and ready to....get awkward and sweaty around anyone I find attractive" but that in no way depletes my quality of life.
Do things for yourself, take risks, and live your life NOT because you're simply biding your time until marriage comes along, but do them just because that's what you want to be doing right now. When I moved to AZ for pastry school, I found myself explaining to people that I'd graduated from college with a degree that didn't have a direct career-path, and so I figured, "Why not? I'm young and single, now's the time?" Only now do I realize that being single had nothing to do with it. I wanted to learn how to bake croissants and frost fancy cakes because I love to bake and it's a passion of mine, not because I didn't have a boyfriend right then.
Now, in retrospect, that reasoning just sounds plain silly, mostly because it is.
I'm embarrassed that this has taken me so long to realize, as straightforward and obvious as it seems, but I also see so many other young single women (especially in the church) struggling in this same situation.
I'm grateful to be independent, self-sufficient, and unfettered.
I'm grateful to have had this time to develop my own personality without relying on a man for validation.
I'm grateful to have (finally) reached a point where getting a boyfriend isn't my sole objective in life.
Ladies: your relationship status doesn't define you. You define you.
[Now, if you'll excuse me while I go prepare for my lesson next week on eternal marriage...]
Katherine this post is amazing and I needed it when I was 24 and single too. I admire you so much--you are so talented and I think you are awesome for pursuing something you loved. Thanks for the post--you are a fantastic writer and a lot of people need to read this.
ReplyDeleteAmen Sista!!!!! I'm so glad that I really lived my life when I was single rather than biding my time. I really believe that I'm a better wife and mother because of it. However, the most important thing is that I'm a better Christine because of it.
ReplyDeleteFinally 😊
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes! Katherine no one can define you but you. Marriage is not overrated, but it can wait. Just take a moment and look at some of your very close heritage. Marjorie Pay married Gordon Hinckley at 26 years of age in 1937. Carol Hinckley married Tracy Cannon at 40 years of age. Lois Anderson married Bryant Hinckley at 54 years of age. Please love your time now. We are all learning from you. There is plenty of time ahead for a husband. Loving you always, Karen Joy
ReplyDelete