Dating 101

Having reached the unceremonious mile-marker of my 26th birthday (insert crying face emoji here), I reflected that I have been half-heartedly dating now for a ridiculous ten years.  In case anyone needs guidance, but also as a handy reminder for myself, allow me to share some of the cardinal rules of dating I have determined from my wealth of experience.  

WHEN ON A DATE WITH A BOY:

• DO walk like a normal person.  DON'T walk like a praying mantis.  
• DO ask him about his family.  DON'T talk about how you went 16 years without throwing up.  
• DO ask him about his profession.  DON'T tell him about how you read a morbidly fascinating book about cadavers and then ask if he's ever seen a teratoma.  (I really need to work on this one.) 
• DO at least offer him the courtesy of The Reach when the check comes.  DON'T go out with him again if he asks you on a first date, picks you up at your house, drives you to the restaurant, and then asks you to pay.  
•  UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you be having a contest to see who can make the best dying-breath exhalation. 
• DON'T be weirdly overbearing about how much you love your budget.  
• DO  graciously accept compliments if he gives them to you.  DON'T reply out of obligation, telling him "I like your...," looking him up and down, and then concluding, "never mind." 
• DO have a good attitude about the activity he's planned.  (Unless it's stupid and requires building sand castles out of dirt because you live in Arizona and not close to a beach, with complete disregard to the fact that you're wearing fancy date clothes.) DON'T go out with him again if he asks for your friend's number at the conclusion of a double date.  
• DO  be considerate of the fact that sometimes guys wear sandals and you might be able to see their feet.  DON'T feel badly about reconsidering your life choices if you wind up at Olive Garden with a grown-up man in a Cookie Monster shirt, using coupons to pay for your first date.  
• DO be flexible about when and where you are willing to go to dinner.  DON'T reschedule with a guy after he bails on you three times in a row.  
• DO understand that there will be natural lulls in the conversation.  DON'T feel like you have to respond if he asks you if you plan on freezing your eggs.  

And for those of you waiting with baited breath for more screenshots about the dumbness that is online dating, please allow me to further satisfy your yen.  

 What the.  I am older than him.  I don't understand. 

Oh hey, didn't realize Tinder was the new place for eulogies.  Thanks for the heads up.  

"You were okay while you lasted.  I wish you'd died sooner.  You probably won't be missed.

RIP My Tolerance for Online Dating

5/9/16" 

He didn't realize that this wasn't a pick-up line. 

Yes please, stranger on the internet, tell me more about what I deserve in life.  

P.S. *you're

P.P.S. again, *you're 

 Part I

Yes, you are correct, I single. lol. Picky maybe or careful  ,  incredibly wise and of course cautious of internet weirdos like yourself   ?  (sorry just responding out loud)...Yes My Weekend went   blissfully well thxxx

.

After no response on my end, for obvious reasons, Homeboy thought he'd give it another try.

 Part II

You're right, that was just thoughts...No, I don't think we should get coffee   .  Simple  . Lol and please don't take it as me being picky  / careful  / wise / or cautious  .  I'm not interested lol I am just being "direct" and also it's probably about the Timing because yeah I'm focussed elsewhere...bye . 

  Watch it there, Kenny, and stop projecting on me. 

And don't be mistaken.  That's not ambition in my eyes.  

That's the withering hope I once had for possibly finding and dating a normal person. 

And perhaps the most perplexing:

 

This was literally one of his profile pictures.  

The half-lidded eyes only make the reindeer so much creepier.  

Also: WHY??????