Dating Prognosis: It Doesn't Look Good

the fact that I’m unfortunately still attracted to men is all the proof I need that sexual orientation is not a choice. 

on a date this weekend, a guy apprehensively asked me “the question:” 

why are you still single?

(big sigh) 

what kind of answer does he want? is he looking for a confession that there’s some drastic character flaw I have to surmount and THEN I’ll be married? that I need to be more spiritual or more docile or more compliant or more emotionally malleable? or is it something that I’m TOO much of that scares guys away? does he want me to admit that I’m still single because I’m too obstinate, too egocentric, too much of a feminist, too independent, and/or too intimidating? 

but none of those things are the reason. everyone has flaws, and yet people still wind up in relationships. 

sorry sir, but the unadorned fact of the matter is that if I had found someone I wanted to be with who also wanted to be with me, then I wouldn’t be single. 

but I am single, 

ergo:

I haven’t found anyone I want to be with. 

because, well, men. 

it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these posts, but I’m obviously feeling salty, so here we go. some of these are pretty old, but my annoyance is just as fresh, so I’ve included them. also, I’ve left out the most egregious offenders because, well, my mom will probably read this. but know that this is only the half of it. 

for starters: we have the men you've never met that only message you once every three months at completely ridiculous times of day for (gag) "cuddles." 

and the men who want your deepest sympathies because women have the audacity to be in movies. 

on one dating app, you can choose from a series of prompts to write something fun and quippy about yourself. one of them asks what your best halloween costume has been, so I commented "world peas," accompanied by a lil photo of me dressed like a pea pod, holding a tiny globe. 

but it's a good thing this gentleman was around to mansplain my costume to me. we had never had any communication, and this was his opening line, telling me why my pun was incorrect.

and when that doesn't work, why don't we just shame women?

"henceforth not romantically intrigued"

sure, let me just stick around and satiate your platonic curiosity.

(FTR, I haven't been on Tinder in over a year because obv its garbage and I'm too Mormony anyways.) 

here we have a specimen who, while having a conversation with a woman, expresses the unrelatable difficulty of not ever knowing what women want, and so instead of asking me, a woman, what I want, he decides that the things he, a man, likes to do are things that I, a woman, must also like to do.

1. stop calling all women crazy.

2. stop being so creepy.

dating was definitely trickier in Chicago just because transportation was trickier in Chicago. so anytime I shlepped myself down to the loop, it was kind of a whole production. 

granted, I only lived 8 miles south of downtown, but I get that it was out of the way. still, when a guy insisted he wanted to go out, it was annoying that the assumption was that I would go to wherever he was because I lived farther away. 

so, on the off occasion when a man even considered venturing down to where I lived, he immediately assumed he would be staying the night. word for the wise: whether or not I have roommates has no bearing on whether I go to dinner with you or not. 

there were two other instances where men who met me down in Hyde Park actually had the gall to show up to our FIRST DATES with overnight bags. TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE.

oh and let's not forget about the times a man tries to convince you that his S&M proclivities are about *your* happiness rather than his own pleasure, representative of sacrifice (lol), and that physical and emotional domination are part of a healthy relationship. thank u, next.

and then there are some who say “date within your religion." 

find “a worthy priesthood holder,” they urge, whatever that means. 

oh, you mean like this guy who claims to be a medical student and yet isn’t listening to/doesn’t understand what I’m saying and then has the audacity to tell me that 1) he’s not going to make any effort to pursue me because that takes too much work and that 2) if I pursue him it will look desperate. wow, really wish I could stay and untangle this Gordian Knot with you. JK BYE. 

don't you understand that it would be easier for me if I could put in absolutely no effort here???!!???

or there was this guy who warned me from the get-go that he would not be paying for me on our first date, and THEN suggested that we arrive somewhere else first, like a park, so he could meet me before deciding if he even wanted to go out at all.

I guess the joke's on me for actually going out with him. but still: that’s an awfully cavalier screening process for a 31-year old man who doesn’t even keep hand soap in his bathroom. 

or this person, who obviously swiped up on me in order for us to have matched, and then immediately decided that being condescending was the best way to introduce himself.

or this person who, having never met me,  blatantly told me that he already EXPECTS me to do things for him, like baking him cakes, without even a whiff of reciprocity. um no, I’ll do stuff for you when I damn well please. which, for you, is going to be never.

let's not forget the thirsty men who express something and then expect you to drop everything and come to where they are because, as we've seen, HEAVEN FORBID a man should make an effort. 

yet another man wants me to put forth twice as much effort as he's willing to show me??boy, please. 

when he can't decide if he wants to take you on a date or schedule a conference call:

let's not forget this diamond in the rough who apparently sees himself (a stranger) as the one who should be in charge of my self-esteem. don't be confident, that's off-putting!! pretend that you were a shriveled co-dependent mess until I showed up and gave you back-handed compliments. pretend that you don't have any worth until I come and bestow it upon you with my magnanimous male generosity. 

of course this diatribe would be incomplete without mentioning the returned missionary who sent me a completely unsolicited explicit video. I texted him back telling him to leave me alone and never contact me again and blocked his number. 

so what did he do?

he found me on What's App and sent me some selfies, duh.

and oh look, more men with a savior-complex who just assume that A) I won't ever have a job and B) need them to take care of me. um, I've managed to make it 28 years without you, but you're right, this is really when things start to fall apart and I need a man to rescue me.

loooove it when strange men tell me how spiritual I need to be for them. yum. 

and then it wouldn't an adequate cross-section of the Mormon population without a couple of just plain weirdos. 

dating is the worst. avoid it if you can.